The parts from my story "Graveyard Shift" are in quotes, followed by his comments:
"You had to be efficient to run a store that size."
I'd lose this, as it is patently untrue. Ever been to the Walmart in Mount Pleasant?
" . . . in a scared shitless manner."
Hyphenate “scared shitless”.
"Thank God he had no idea."
Capping "God" now? How religious/irreligious are you, man?
"NA ZDROWIE! said another sign. RYBKA LUBI POPLYWAC!"
Googletrans suggests “RYBKA LUBI PŁYWAĆ!” (“Fish likes to swim!”) Huh?
"McDonalds, Wendy’s, Bob Evans."
“McDonald's”. “Bob Evans” should have a fucking apostrophe too, you ask me, but it doesn't.
" 'Hop in,' Red said Red."
Pick your favorite “Red”. Mine's Ken MacLeod. That chick from Fraggle Rock is cool too, though.
"Half-price on arthritis in Specimens."
Needless to say, we are on the same page.